This morning the kids were intrigued by the pile of wood scraps that were previously on the patio and are now on the hill next to the compost pile. Climbing, grabbing, ... one child started throwing the pieces over the fence into the neighbor's yard. It was the perfect situation for using the techniques I've been practicing in a Language of Listening Playtime workshop. It is a very simple thing and it works so well:
1- SAY WHAT YOU SEE-
"You're moving those blocks! You're so strong!
Connect with the child based on what is happening in the moment- what you see. Identify the desire behind the action. The child really wanted to grab the chunks of wood and move them. Consider how the child must feel while throwing them over the fence. Strong, powerful, productive.
2)CAN DO-
"You can't throw them over the fence. You CAN move them into the wheelbarrow!!" or
"You can't throw them over the fence. There must be something we can do with them. Hmmm....How about this wheelbarrow? <Excitedly> Let's dump the wood chunks into the wheelbarrow!
They loved that idea! They loaded all of the wood into the wheelbarrow. It was a tight space and there were five children. It was a great opportunity for them to practice negotiating and communicating their needs and desires. Excuse me. Watch out for my body. I don't like that!
A couple more thoughts from today...
MODELING COMPASSION (as opposed to forcing an apology) gives the child a chance to see how to treat a person that gets hurt. I immediately turn towards the injured one to give my attention to him. Ouch! That really hurt. You didn't like that at all. And then I might turn to the one that hurt and say, Can you check on him? Can you ask him what you can do to make him feel better? I don't insist on apologies because children memorize the words "I'm sorry" quite easily, and while it makes adults feel better to hear the child say it, it doesn't feel good to the injured one unless it is said with genuine compassion. And compassion cannot be forced.
BE ON THEIR TEAM- When you encounter resistance (Ex. You want child to get dressed, child wants to play hide and seek), the first thing you do is CONNECT with the child where she is in the moment. And then let her know that you want to help her get what she wants. (Ex. Excitedly, You want to play hide and seek! You want me to find you! <Start getting into the game and then pause>
Let's put on clothes so we can play hide and seek. Come on! Basically, you're connecting in the moment about what the child wants BEFORE you turn your efforts toward what you want. Once you develop a connection (by acknowledging the child's desires and playing in her way) the child is much more willing to do what you want. Playful Parenting is a great resource for tips on how to use play to make the frustrating transition moments much easier (and I have a copy in the lending library).
